By: Toby Good
A guy walks into a bar, sits down at the counter, and leans over to the guy next to him.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Yeah I guess so.” the stranger replies.
“Okay so there’s a truck driver. He wakes up early in the morning, he puts on his uniform and he drives and drives and drives. He does this every single day. He’s the hardest working driver east of the Mississippi. He’s never missed a pickup and his motto is ‘I will never quit, until the job is done.’ Everyday he drives. Never stopping, never late. But one morning the driver spots something ahead of him. He realizes that it’s a man in the middle of the road. The man is clearly suicidal and so the driver thinks he’ll be doing the guy a favor by taking him out. No issue for the driver, he always gets the job done. The problem is, the truck doesn’t actually kill the guy, it just severely wounds him. So the driver gets out, and approaches the man. The man is bleeding and has suffered major damage, but he is still able to speak, and so he says “Oh my god. I’ve had a revelation. When you hit me, my whole life flashed before my eyes. I’ve realized that I’m too young to die. Thank you so much, please help me to a hospital, I have a new lease on life.’ The driver just looks down at the man and says ‘I will never quit, until the job is done.’ He gets back in his truck, starts the engine, and drives ahead, finishing the job. He says ‘Man, these roads are getting bumpy again, someone should really fix that’ and he howls with laughter all the way down the road.”
The stranger just looks at the man and says “That was pretty dark. I mean, I guess I see the humor in it, but that wasn’t exactly a joke. You said you’d tell me a joke?”
“Oh of course, you’re the kind of person that needs one setup and one punchline huh? Well here, try this one out. I asked myself the other day ‘What the heck is going on around here… the cemeteries are full but people are still dying to get in?”
The stranger cackles. “You see that’s a joke right there! Right to the point. Simple. Those I’d be willing to hear more of… you got any more?”
“Alright. How ‘bout this one. A man walks down the street smoking a cigarette in a sketchy part of town. A drifter runs up to him from underneath whatever bridge, or box, or tin can he was living under, grabs him and says ‘Please sir, I need shelter and warmth. I’m begging you… I’m dying out here on the street.’ The man politely removes the drifter’s hands from himself and says “Certainly. There has to be room for you in my shed somewhere… I’m sure of it.” The drifter was infinitely grateful and followed the man back to his home. Once they reached the shed the man said ‘Stay out here for just one second while I grab something.’ The drifter agreed. The man came back out with a baseball bat in one hand, a can of gasoline in the other, and the cigarette still flapping from his lips as he said ‘Welp, here we are.’ The drifter asked ‘What are those for?’ The man set the can of gas down on the pavement and then proceeded to strike the drifter in the head with the baseball bat that he carried. With the drifter unconscious on the ground, the man dropped the bat and grabbed the can of gasoline. He then emptied the can onto the dazed drifter. He disposed of the gas can, looked at the drifter and said ‘Give a man a match and he’ll be warm for an hour… but set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.’ And then he dropped his cigarette.”
Stunned, the stranger says “How do you come up with these?”
“Art imitates reality.” the man replies.
The stranger nervously laughs. “You saying you actually did those things?”
“No. But I bet someone has.” he answers.
The stranger looks around the bar and notices that it is clearing out. He looks down at his watch. It’s 1:47 AM. He looks back up at the man and says “Hey uh, I kinda gotta get going. The bar’s closing soon anyways.”
“Nonsense,” the man says “there’s always time for one more joke. This one is sure to have you rolling on the floor. I promise.”
“Alright. One more joke, but then I literally have to go. My wife will kill me.”
“Okay, okay, okay. So a guy walks into a bar, sits down at the counter, and leans over to the guy next to him. He says ‘Wanna hear a joke?’ The guy says ‘Yeah I guess so.’ The man replies ‘Okay so there’s a truck driver. He wakes up earl-”
“Wait, wait, wait. What are you doing here?” the stranger asks.
“What? I’m just trying to finish my joke.” the man retorts.
The stranger looks at the man’s jacket.
Gibson Trucking Company
The man begins to pull out a pack of cigarettes. He stares directly into the stranger’s eyes. “You smoke?” He says, offering one of the small white cylinders to the stranger.
The stranger starts to feel tiny droplets of perspiration form around his forehead. “Uh, no thanks. I just quit actually.” He looks around again. They’re the last two customers in the bar, and the bartender had just walked back into the kitchen to finish sweeping.
The stranger is starting to feel yesterday’s lunch gurgling in his stomach by now. “Can we get to the punchline already?” he asks anxiously.
“Punchlines, punchlines, punchlines… that’s all I hear out of you. You really want this joke to end?” “Please.” begs the stranger.
“Alright, well, short and simple... the guy walks into the bar, he tells the stranger a few jokes, and then he stabs him.”
“Wait no, wait, wai-”
The man finishes the punchline.
The stranger crashes to the floor as the man stands there giggling.
A police officer enters through the barroom door. He says “Hey Joe, I know it’s almost closing t-” He sees the mess that lay before him.
The man stops laughing.
“Freeze,” exclaims the officer as he pulls out his pistol, “put your hands where I can see them!”
The man looks back at the stranger on the ground.
“Oh my lord.” the man chuckles “The irony. I bet you wish the joke had lasted just a little longer? If you hadn’t been so obsessed with that punchline, this guy coulda saved ya.” He lets out a shriek of hilarity. “The irony!” The man falls to the ground in a fit of laughter.
“Drop the knife chuckle face!” the policeman screams.
“No, no. You don’t get how perfect this is! The joke is finally on me, and yet there will never be a punchline!” the man shouts.
“I’m coming closer, and I’m gonna cuff you. If you do not drop the knife, I will be forced to shoot.”
The man slowly rises back to his feet, still seizing with laughter. “A cop walks into a bar and a man charges at him with a knife” he says. “The man knows what comes next but he finds it all pretty funny.”
The man charges at the officer.
A guy walks into a bar. A body gets dragged out of it.
How’s that for a punchline?
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